I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize
