so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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