the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
