i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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