yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
