my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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