he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
