I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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