dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
