im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
