come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
