a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i barfeds in our rink
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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