my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
