I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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