Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
