He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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