take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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