I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
