Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
