If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
