Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
