He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
