yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
