can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
