anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
