His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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