Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
