I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
