So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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