Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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