He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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