Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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