I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
