Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
