My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
