Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
