I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
