dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Randomize
