He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
