I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
