Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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