I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
