my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
