I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
