Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
