we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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