It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
