Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
