I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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