You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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