Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
