I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
